How to Find and Keep {Good} Friends

A common conversation I have with my clients is about how to make friends. And not just anyone who will hang out with you, but people who you actually like and with whom you enjoy spending time; people with similar values, goals, and lifestyles. This conversation often comes about for two reasons: (1) the person is feeling better about him/herself and for the first time actually wants friends; and/or (2) the person is realizing that s/he has a knack for making poor friend choices and so a new, healthy group of friends is in order.

There’s no question that finding friends can be a tough task, and finding good friends can feel nearly impossible. So where do you find potential friends? Here are some ideas to consider in your quest for new connections.

1) Become a member of MeetUp. (it’s free!)
This website was designed to help connect people in the same community based on shared interests. For example, Ken may use this site to start a historical fiction book club in Phoenix, AZ. Mary may create a MeetUp group for people who like to try new restaurants in San Diego. Based on where you live, search for groups that match your interests. You’ll likely be surprised at the number and variety of groups available in your area. This is a great way to get involved doing something you love and meeting people with similar interests. Check it out at www.meetup.com.

2) Take a non-credit class at a community college.
These classes are often fun, cheap ways to learn something new and meet others with a comparable curiosity. Classes range from yoga to photography to how to interpret what your pet is saying to you.

3) Become a regular at a local restaurant/café/bakery.
Developing a routine in which others can get to know you is a great way to ease into meeting new people. Sitting in the coffee shop for five minutes each morning while you drink your coffee can be an effective way to start small talk with the baristas, which may eventually lead into more meaningful conversations and then an invitation to grab lunch next week. Frequenting the same restaurant on the same day of the week (e.g., the local burrito shop every Tuesday) is another great way for people to get to know you and vice versa.

4) Volunteer.
Choose a cause about which you’re passionate – animals, children, the environment – and get involved. While volunteering is obviously a wonderful service to the community, it’s also a great way to meet people who likely share similar values and beliefs. To find local volunteer opportunities in your area, check out www.handsonnetwork.org.

5) Accept invitations.So often the opportunity to meet new people is right in front of us – invitations to birthday celebrations, holiday parties, and poolside get-togethers. Even if you’re not too interested in celebrating, consider this an opportunity to meet new people. If you like the person who invited you, then perhaps you’ll like some of the other people they invited, too. Commit to going for at least 30 minutes. If after that time frame you haven’t met anyone you like, then give yourself permission to leave.

 

Okay, so now you’re on the path to finding new friends. But how do you avoid attracting people who just aren’t good for you? Perhaps you have a pattern of building friendships with people who always need something from you, or who are flaky, or whose needs will always come before yours. As you meet new people, ask yourself these three important questions to avoid falling into your old friendship trap:

1) What is your gut feeling after the first three visits with this person?
You know that nagging feeling that kicks in when someone does something that you don’t really like? Listen to it! Research has shown that our bodies often sense when something isn’t right long before our heads are able to make sense of that feeling. So, rather than ignoring the feeling or trying to convince yourself that you’re overreacting, pay attention to what your body is trying to tell you. If you don’t listen now, chances are it will come back to haunt you later on when the friendship heads south.

2) Is there a balance between meeting your needs and their needs?
A healthy friendship has space for everyone’s needs. Like any relationship, there are times when your needs may dominate, and other times when their needs dominate, but the general dynamic between the two people is balanced. People who are caretakers and people-pleasers tend to seek out others whose needs are greater than their own, and thus they wind up denying or ignoring their own needs. While this may feel good at the beginning of the friendship, eventually it will likely leave you feeling resentful, bored, or alone.

3) Do this person value you for who you are, rather than how you look, where you live, or what you do?
I think this one is fairly obvious. Avoid relationships that seem to be based on some superficial quality. Seek out people who value the things that matter, like your integrity, sense of humor, loyalty, intelligence, and kind heart. A friendship built on this will be able to weather the many storms of life, which, after all, isn’t that when we turn to our friends the most?

Finally, as you pursue healthy, meaningful friendships with new people, remember that friends come and go…even the good ones. As our personalities and needs grow and change, so, too, do our friendships. Do not judge a friendship by how long it lasts; sometimes the most powerful relationships in our lives may be short-lived, albeit the effects are long-lasting. This poem, Reason, Season, Lifetime, captures this phenomenon beautifully.

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

~Unknown

For more blogs by Dr. Ashley, please visit www.drashleysouthard.wordpress.com.