Dr. Julie’s Meaningful Morsel … “Is ANYBODY Happily Married?”
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“Is ANYBODY happily married?” My client’s question, posed with a reconciliatory mixture of sarcasm and resolve, challenged my efforts to identify the marital issues which had brought her into treatment, and was a (not so!) subtle way of telling me that she had given up on the “dream” of sustainable marital happiness.
Can any long-term marriage remain truly happy? This year, as I celebrate my 21st wedding anniversary to a man whom I still call my partner, lover and friend, my answer to this frequently asked therapeutic question is, “Yes!”
So, for all the doubters, dreamers and dedicated spouses who continue to work hard every day to maintain the in-love emotional experience which surrounded them on their wedding day, I present my VERY abbreviated list of “The Top 5 Ingredients” which I believe contribute to long-term marital bliss …
1. Marry your best friend, not just your lover. Marry your lover, not just your best friend.
2. Address significant (and not so significant) issues fully, until they are COMPLETELY resolved. For unresolved issues are like rogue cancer cells. If left untreated, they divide, multiply and eventually metastasize, killing off otherwise healthy systems.
3. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate! If you are not naturally gifted in this area (and most people are not), humble yourself and seek counseling to develop the communication skills which are imperative for any marriage to survive – and thrive!
4. Share your TRUE self, feelings and vulnerabilities readily with your partner. For through this process, the gift of emotional intimacy is born. And this emotional intimacy will become the “glue” which holds your friendship together, during the inevitable times of strife.
5. When picking a mate, embrace complimentary differences (which can be an exciting plus), but never be fooled into believing that disparate core values, marital expectations, and/or life goals can be changed.
Have fun, believe in marriage AND sustainable love … and enjoy curling up to your very best friend, for the rest of your life!
